The Marriage Builder by Dr. Larry Crab: Desires vs. Goals

Excerpt from The Marriage Builder by Dr. Larry Crabb


When by simple faith I accept Christ's shed blood as full payment for my sins, I am brought into a relationship with an infinite Being of love and purpose who fully satisfies my deepest needs for security and significance. Therefore I am freed from self-centered preoccupation with my own needs; they are met. It is now possible for me to give to others out of my fullness rather than needing to receive from others because of my emptiness. For the first time, I have the option of living selflessly. (page 60)


The goal and purpose of marriage is to minister to our spouse. Our desire is for them to minister to us.
Our highest purpose as husbands or wives is to be an instrument for promoting our partner's spiritual and personal welfare.(page 66) It requires mountain-moving faith to believe that Christ is sufficient for me and that I am capable of giving to my spouse regardless of what I receive in return. It takes a commitment to the goal of ministry; and a strategy for handling negative emotions that neither violates the goal of ministry nor creates distance between the partners. (page 68)


No matter how resolutely we commit ourselves to the goal of ministering to our spouses, we will experience an unquenchable desire for our partners to minitster to us. In order to make the commitment to minister to my spouse I must agree with God that manipulation to meet my own needs is sinful. I must turn from my sin, believing that a good God leads me along good paths (repent). Then I must choose to walk along the path of ministry (obey). (page 60)


A goal is an objective that is under my control. When reaching an objective depends solely on my willingness to do certain things, it may properly be called a goal. Therefore I am responsible to act in ways that will realize my purpose. I may not feel like doing what is required to reach the goal, but I can do it if I choose.


A desire is an objective that I may legitimately and fervently want but cannot reach through my efforts alone. To fulfill a desire requires the uncertain cooperation of another. To make it a goal to try to change your spouse, you presume a power you do not have. Choosing a goal to pursue must be in terms of your response to your spouse not their response to you.


The proper response to a desire, then, is prayer. To a goal, the appropriate response is a set of responsible actions. If we confuse our goals and desires, our responses will be wrong. Too many peope pray for their goals, "Lord, make me treat my wife more kindly" and assume responsibility for their desires "Honey, will you get off my back!"


Examples of Desires:

1. I want my husband to understand how I feel.
2. I wish I could get through to my wife that I do love her. She is so insecure.
3. I'd come back to my husband if he were more loving.

Examples of Goals:

1. I will write my husband a letter telling him how I feel. I hope he understands (desire), but my objective is to express myself as clearly as I can (goal).
2. My wife is so insecure. Although I can't be sure that she will feel loved (desire), I will list five things I can do this week that I believe would reflect my love for her, and then I will do them (goal).
3. I'm scared to death to come back to my husband. If he doesn't change, I'm not sure I could take it (desire). But because I believe God commands me to be willing to live as his wife, I will choose to return and to be the best wife I can be (goal).

There is nothing wrong with diligently working on your goals in the hope that your desires will come true, but your heart must never be set on reaching desires. The Bible instructs us to seek first God's kingdom, to lay up treasures in heaven- in other words, to set our hearts on reaching the goal of worshiping God, serving Him, and becoming more and more conformed to the image of Christ. By God's Enabling grace, this goal is reachable no matter in what circumstances we find ourselves.