How Not to Change Your Man | The Mars Hill Blog

How Not to Change Your Man The Mars Hill Blog
by Liz Pak

If today you decided you wanted to change your husband, you wouldn’t be short of resources on telling you how to do it. Just a simple Google search on “how to change your man” turns up any number of purportedly helpful blogs, articles, and commentary on how to go about fixing all the things you might say are wrong with your spouse. [Ed.'s note: 558,000 results, to be precise.]


Let’s face it: No one is more prone to being affected by your husband’s sin than you are. It is no wonder then, that so many wives are insistent on changing the men in their life.
But does this hold up biblically? How does God call us, as wives, to respond to our husbands’ perceived shortcomings? Here is what the apostles Paul and Peter had to say on the matter:

“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.” Galatians 6:1


“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” 1 Peter 3:1-2

Lightbulb! God does not call us as wives to change our husbands. We were neither created nor equipped to do so. Instead, he has commanded us to restore them, gently, by way of godly conduct. In so doing, we will not change our man, but instead will point him to the only One who can: our savior, Jesus Christ himself.
So a word of advice to all you ladies sick and tired of the sin in your relationship: Stop trying to change your
man. Instead, start freeing him to be changed by Christ.


Here’s a few things to do (and stop doing) to get you started.

Don’t compare.
Ever catch yourself looking around a room and musing bitterly how your husband doesn’t measure up to all the others? When you compare your man to someone else, you are believing the lie that the husband God chose for you is not as good as the one you could have created for yourself.


Don’t manipulate.But the kids really need to go to that expensive private school. That house is the only one that’s going to work for our family.
It’s one thing to submit one’s point of view humbly; it’s another to pull the insistent, hysterical wife card. Manipulating wives don’t want their husbands to lead them. They just want them to look like they do.


Don’t undermine.
Nothing cripples a husband’s leadership like an undermining wife. He tells the kids no more ice cream, she sneaks them sundaes behind his back. He speaks up at community group, she begrudgingly shuts down his ideas or points of view. When you undermine your man like that, you’re telling him you don’t respect or value him; when you undermine him in front of others, you’re saying no one else should either.


Do pray.
Start a habit of intentionally praying for your husband. Nothing will be of greater help to him than interceding for him before the Father. Make it a part of your daily routine, ask him regularly how you can pray and follow up on things you have already been praying for.

Do encourage.
Look for evidences of God’s grace in your man’s life. When you find some, tell him so. When he calls to let you know he’ll be home late, let him know how helpful that is. When he sits down to bible study with the kids, thank him for striving to lead your family spiritually.

Do study.
Study your husband. Learn what makes him tick, what inspires him, what blesses him. What kind of leader is he? What’s his love language? How does he connect with others? With the Lord? How does he work best? Sabbath best? When you begin to learn the answers to these questions and others, you will become more and more equipped to love and serve him as a helper suitable.
Does this list sound doable? Or unattainable? For those of you who may be discouraged (“Impossible! How can I stop comparing?!”) Take heart once more in the words of Paul:
“And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6
As you’re striving to not change your man, remember: You cannot change yourself, either. But you can put full confidence in the one who will change you both. For just as the Lord is the only hope for change in your husband, so is He for you.